This week has been a big one for soul searching for me. Last night, during our Bible study at church, as I was thumbing through….okay, frantically trying to remember the little “New Testament” song so I could find 1 Timothy without looking like I had never opened a Bible… and I ran across a devotional in my Women of Faith study Bible entitled “Struggling With Doubt”. Ouch! It’s amazing how God just knows what we need to read exactly when we need to read it, but being the sinful human I am, I didn’t read it until tonight. Maybe that’s why I was on such a rant last night? God wants me to take a good, hard look at what’s going on inside my heart and my head, but I don’t want to. There I said it. I’m being stubborn. I don’t want to dig into my feelings. I’d rather surf Facebook and not have to think, but God has a way of not giving you a moment’s peace until you do what He wants you to do. So here I am, Bible next to me, opened to that stinkin’ page about struggling with doubt. All I can say is I need a revelation. I’ve read the scriptures, I know God is bigger than all things and will take care of all our needs if we lean solely on Him, so why do I still feel so ….. doubtful?
Self-doubt is defined as “a lack of faith or confidence in oneself.” Yep, nailed it. Today that is me. I’ve doubted my ability to do anything, and I do mean anything! I made spaghetti for supper and heard myself saying, “This probably isn’t fit to eat, but here it is.” SPAGHETTI! Not gourmet spaghetti….well, maybe, that’s what the label said on the can of spaghetti sauce…. just an easy meal that you can’t mess up, but I figured I did one way or another. What is wrong with me?! I don’t like being in a funk like this. I’m usually trying to make people laugh or trying to cheer them up, THIS IS NOT ME! I think I have randomly burst out in tears on 3 different occasions since I got home at 4 pm. Well, maybe I should offer a disclaimer here, I cry easily, and I cry at the dumbest things. I’ve seen commercials that left me in tears. I subscribe to the Truvvy (Steel Magnolias) theory “no one cries alone in my presence”, but tonight I just feel like an idiot!
Doubt….such a strange word that has such an effect. Right now I doubt my ability to do anything. I have lost my creative mojo (yes, I can keep up with some people, but I’m an ART teacher, I’m supposed to be super creative!) I don’t even know if I could sing a note tonight if I wanted to…not that it’s that great, but it is something I love, but right now, the desire is just gone. (Please come back) Maybe it’s stress, next week will be a stressful week with the state compliance evaluations that will take place at school on the 11th. (Prayers much appreciated on that one) Maybe it’s the lack of sleep…the insomnia is back….stupid insomnia; or maybe it’s the fashion industry. (I can blame them for all the world’s problems if I want to, it’s my blog, deal with it)
So tonight, as I desperately try to find chocolate (candy’s all gone, I’m in trouble), and deal with my self-doubt, I’m going to cling to some scripture….
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future.” Jeremiah 29:11
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine; according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20
“The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” Luke 17:5
See, even the apostles doubted; I’m in good company. Their faith was made steadfast, and God will erase my doubt and bring back the sunshine. I know He will see me through and He will never give up on me….What an awesome God we serve.