Have you ever started writing something, then changed your mind, deleted it, thought about it, re-wrote it, deleted, re-wrote, etc….? That is how this post has been. I've wondered, should I write it? What if someone reads it and gets hurt feelings? Is it worth it? I guess it has all come down to the fact that is it my blog; my online journal; something I started as an outlet for my feelings. I try to keep it really light and occasionally humorous, but the last few hours have found me in anything but a humorous mood. I've run the gamut of emotions from extreme anger to very, very hurt. I try to remember the source of my hurt is just a kid, not mine…mine would never do anything to hurt their mother (and I have some ocean front property in Northern Arkansas for sale if you believe that). So here's the rub, as you have probably noticed, I really had my feelings hurt last night. Why do I let it get to me so much?
After some soul searching and self-evaluating (you know how qualified I am in the ways of psychology…not), I think it all boils down to my childhood. Isn't that the typical diagnosis? Maybe I can blame everything on my childhood. However, I had a great childhood. I have a great family, but there were a few times when I felt like I was the big misfit, literally the BIG misfit. When Daddy remarried I gained 2 stepsisters, both of whom were skinny blondes, and along comes the awkward kid with dark hair who towered over the other 2. I've said before I was the tallest in my class until around the 5th grade and my cousin finally passed me in height…HE is now well over 6 feet tall. I always felt ugly, like some kind of freakish human anomaly, maybe that's when I started medicating my hurts with food.(of course, it didn't help that Mom and my grandmothers are all great cooks)
Fast forward to last night, after it was pointed out that I am NOT part of the "family" (not the above mentioned, those hurts have all been worked out and things are cool there), I just happen to be the woman who married into the family and have changed my husband "and not in a good way" (yes, that is a direct quote, oh, and you can substitute the word "woman" with another word that begins with a B..Yes, it was capitalized so I guess that means I'm really, really bad). I can't help but be hurt. I've always felt like somewhat of an outcast in the clan, but I thought it was just me. Now I realize they really don't like me. Bummer, I think the world of some of them and I hate that they think that I have changed Chris. I married him for who he was, not who I wanted him to become. He may not spend as much time there as he did before, but it's because he works very, very hard and when he gets home he wants to stay there. We like being home.
So, there it is my vent for the day. I promise not to post anything so negative in the future, but I can say that even though I've been stressed out about the whole ordeal, I DID NOT turn to food as my comfort. Maybe I'm breaking the bad habit of reaching for a snack when I'm down. I did take a nice, brisk walk last night to walk off the anger. It helped immensely; maybe I'll take another walk tonight. Maybe the hurt feelings will help me get back into that dress quicker than I'd hoped. See there is always a positive to every negative, and I am choosing to focus my energy on that rather than the hurt.
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